“Stress, anxiety, worry, isolation, loneliness, depression…and resentment” describes not our shut-in seniors but up to 3 out of 4 of us, family caregivers, according to AP-NORC and Kaiser Family Foundation (Kaiser) polls. Worse still, almost half of all caregivers rarely or never seek help for themselves for their anxiety or sadness (Kaiser). The spiral of caregiver stress and isolation deepens into our own financial crisis as 1/3 of us repeatedly miss work, and almost 2/3 of us invade our own retirement savings, according to a recent Genworth survey.
Conflicted Emotions. 82% of us feel generally positive about helping our aging parents (Genworth), but we often feel no support and no way out until both caregiver and “cared for” are ultimately ground down physically, financially, and emotionally. The knowledge that our beloved parent would never want to burden us in this way fails to stanch the spring of resentment and conflicted emotions generated by what can feel like long hours of servitude. Duty to our parents permeates every aspect of life, as social and employment opportunities slip away, sometimes permanently, sapping our strength, finances, and happiness. As if the stress of caring for our “adult child” weren’t enough, in our darkest and most exhausted hours we convict ourselves with guilt upon failing to banish the unspoken secret that all would be better off if only our loved one would finally let go of this earth as she always said she wanted to do in these closing chapters of life.
You are not alone. We are in this together. By 2029 half of the US budget, or almost $3 trillion, will be spent in care of our seniors, according to the Congressional Budget Office. Your family is not the exception. Aren’t you spending at least half of your free time in service of your loved one, if not far more?
What to do: Get help!
a. TALK with other caregivers
b. ASK for help from professionals
c. SEEK outside resources
d. TAKE CARE of yourself first! Take time off, somehow, even if for a few hours. You need to safeguard your health first.
“But I promised my mom that I would never put her into a nursing home.”
That may be, but it may also be time to recognize that:
1. Your mother would never have wanted this for you.
2. You will lose the physical, financial, and emotional battle alone.
3. You need help; you are, or will be soon at this pace, drowning.
4. When you get the relief you need, and your mom gets the care she needs, you both will be able to better cherish your last moments together. Isn’t that what she really wants? Isn’t that what you want for her, and for you?
The Boy Scouts of America has trained more kids to safely swim and Lifeguard than any other organization. This is BSA’s first rule of Lifesaving:
1st Rule of Lifesaving: First, protect Yourself. Do not put yourself in the same danger as the person you are trying to save.
Before you dive into the turbulent financial and emotional waters of caring for an Elder, be Safe. Let us help you help yourself and your loved one with some practical Elder Law advice and planning. It’s not too late to find at least some financial relief through VA, MedicAID and other ElderLaw strategies. You both will be able to rest a lot easier, and better cherish the time you have left.
Call us today! We can help! Call (314) 881-6144
Martin Jansky
Elder Lawyer, Eagle Scout & BSA Lifeguard